Late night ramblings..

 I have never fit in. Ever.

Okay, when I was a kid-- I was always suspected that I had Attention Deficit Disorder or ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.. Turns out that was not the case. 

Backing up to 1995....

I used to go to this mosque when I was a kid, I would go every Sunday- typically for Sunday school. Just like other churches or temples do for their religions. I would see kids laughing and always be a bit jealous that I could not fit in.

Some people treated me really awful. From when I aws a kid up to when I was a teenager. Somehow when I became an adult, that stopped. They started actually trying to talk to me. WHY? I will never know. I do appreciate the people who talk to me today and always.

Heres the thing. I have always wanted to be friends. Have a tight knit community when I get older but for some reason, I just dont ... fit in.

and not just in the Muslim community, in the Deaf world, or the hearing world. I usually can keep my head up but sometimes just sometimes it hurts. I guess that's part of becoming more mentally mature, learning to be okay with my loneliness sometimes. I am aware that I can be way too much for people to handle. I am also aware that I'm extremely emotional and I cry. EASILY.

I have constantly yearned to have a lifelong best friend but somehow I lost the one childhood best friend I had over a stupid miscommunication. It hurts. It still does. I miss her but I wish her well in life.

I overthink old situations all the time and its not healthy. I know its not. Im writing this as someone who never fit in to say its okay.

IT ABSOLUTELY IS OK TO NOT FIT IN! It is absolutely okay to be a black sheep. Please remember to always always be yourself. I struggle with that sometimes but I remember who I am at heart and it is quite refreshing to be honest.

I may not be your typical American Muslim queer woman. But I am here and living my life to the best I can. I made it to 30 years old and I never thought I would get here. I never did. I have a newfound appreciaton for life - and I am just learning to be okay with not having many friends, not fitting anywhere.

I do not fit in and thats okay. I am okay with who I am.