Late night ramblings..

 I have never fit in. Ever.

Okay, when I was a kid-- I was always suspected that I had Attention Deficit Disorder or ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.. Turns out that was not the case. 

Backing up to 1995....

I used to go to this mosque when I was a kid, I would go every Sunday- typically for Sunday school. Just like other churches or temples do for their religions. I would see kids laughing and always be a bit jealous that I could not fit in.

Some people treated me really awful. From when I aws a kid up to when I was a teenager. Somehow when I became an adult, that stopped. They started actually trying to talk to me. WHY? I will never know. I do appreciate the people who talk to me today and always.

Heres the thing. I have always wanted to be friends. Have a tight knit community when I get older but for some reason, I just dont ... fit in.

and not just in the Muslim community, in the Deaf world, or the hearing world. I usually can keep my head up but sometimes just sometimes it hurts. I guess that's part of becoming more mentally mature, learning to be okay with my loneliness sometimes. I am aware that I can be way too much for people to handle. I am also aware that I'm extremely emotional and I cry. EASILY.

I have constantly yearned to have a lifelong best friend but somehow I lost the one childhood best friend I had over a stupid miscommunication. It hurts. It still does. I miss her but I wish her well in life.

I overthink old situations all the time and its not healthy. I know its not. Im writing this as someone who never fit in to say its okay.

IT ABSOLUTELY IS OK TO NOT FIT IN! It is absolutely okay to be a black sheep. Please remember to always always be yourself. I struggle with that sometimes but I remember who I am at heart and it is quite refreshing to be honest.

I may not be your typical American Muslim queer woman. But I am here and living my life to the best I can. I made it to 30 years old and I never thought I would get here. I never did. I have a newfound appreciaton for life - and I am just learning to be okay with not having many friends, not fitting anywhere.

I do not fit in and thats okay. I am okay with who I am. 

2021… what a year.

 It has been years

Since I wrote a new blog post.

Okay.. where to start.

So much emotional turmoil - 

As a Muslim woman, it was very heartbreaking to see my country become so much more divided due to hate.

The education is truly lacking when it comes to other religions, I believe. 

“But it’s a Christian nation” — that’s where you are wrong folks. In fact, isn’t that why America was set up in the first place?

Let me back up. I am aware 100% that America was not peacefully set up. 

Colonizers took over. Stole the land from native Americans. And then, they killed Native Americans over a feast that was supposedly called “Thanksgiving”

Hello, fellow reader if you are still with me… This is not for the weak to read. Period. 

White people have something called WHITE PRIVILEGE. 

History has been white washed to make the federal holidays seem less of a sham.

History has been glossed over to hide the struggles of the indigenous, and multiracial people. 

AMERICA IS NOT FOR US!!!!! 

Let me explain why….

Growing up as an American Muslim, my family and I have not suffered much bigotry. Things were great or so I thought.

Maybe they weren’t but our parents hid the truth because we were kids.

Anyway. September 11th happened, and THAT is when I saw the horrible division in this country. I was still young so at the time it was something I couldn’t fathom. At all. How the hell can America be THAT bad of a country??? Over the years from 2001- NOW I have seen so many bigoted people, so many racist people, that I am unfortunately no longer surprised. 

As a young 5th grader, I was sad- still naive though…

I watched my uncles get put on the no fly list, I watched my cousins slowly decide to stop wearing the hijab. I watched very religious Muslim women removing the religious garb because suddenly… we were not safe. 

Let me back up a moment — I take this moment to acknowledge that compared to my Muslim brothers and sisters, I AM privileged. The police are not going to take a second look at ME, and go “F***** terrorist, put your hands in the air” but I can not say the same for a lot of my family members and for that I am fully aware and I own up to that. 

Things were always bad for Muslims and BIPOC in general— however they heightened after Obama became president. So many true colors of people came into the spotlight. So much… hate… so much anger. From 2008-2016, so much bullshit has happened.

There is a LOT of police brutality going on. 

There is a LOT of racism still experienced today and the same goes for bigotry.

Unfortunately when 2016 hit, people voted for a President who they claimed spoke “the truth” 

What is the truth?? That you are a racist? That you were okay with the president of the United States actually being a pedophile yet so many of you brushed that under the rug and kept screaming “But Obama” “but Biden” … but but but NOTHING.

How do you expect me, a WOC, to view you a person who voted Trump, not to be racist? Now let me be clear. If you are reading this and you KNOW YOU ARE NOT who i am taking about, take a breath and try to understand this. You may not have actively voted for him but unfortunately you the white person, indirectly made it okay for Trump to have a platform of hate. 

Trump screamed “Build that wall” because he didn’t believe in illegal immigrants. After that happened SO MANY PEOPLE in my religious community including me got harassed endlessly “Yrump is your president now” “go back to your country” <— which I’m gonna point out, is the dumbest insult ever considering I AM a natural born citizen from the United States.

People think black people are playing the race card

People assume we Muslims are playing the bigotry card

People assume that we Muslims do not belong.

All of that became worst during the Trump presidency. You can deny that all you want. But if you look around you — and ask your friends who ARE NOT CHRISTIAN by the way… 

They will tell you the same thing I did.

Back to my main point. America was NOT intended to be a solely Christian country because first of all, people escaped England to get away from the church. The founding fathers were Christians yes but that still doesn’t make this country a Christian only country.

If you look up the real history behind so many holidays you will see that so many of them are FEDERAL.

Halloween? It’s a pagan holiday. 

Christmas? Is NOT about the birth of Christ. Fun fact - Christmas was created by the government years ago with Santa Claus and the presents and etc.

Thanksgiving? It was a feast before killing the native Americans. 

July 4th? Is FUCKING BULLSHIT BECAUSE WE DID NOT “become free” on this day, we TOOK OVER. There’s a difference.

And other American holidays were funded for MONEY. 

Like it or not. This is the real truth. Ok I am wrapping things up here. Hope you enjoy my rambling. If you disagree, not my problem. Ignore my blog if you disagree. Im not here for the comments, nor am I up for discussing the what if’s, of this post. Have a good night!

Am I a bad Muslim if....

Sorry guise, I have been planning to update every Saturday, but I failed to do so. 

I have been contemplating stuff.

And it makes me wonder. A lot about myself. 

"Am I a bad Muslim cuz I have a small tattoo???" 

"Am I a bad Muslim because I drink alcohol once in a while?"

"Am I bad because I don't pray as often or don't pray the same way other Muslims do?"

Truth is... I do sin. Like everyone else, of course

But... There are various Muslims out there.

I am just one in a billion of Muslims.

We are not all the same.

And NO WE ARE NOT TERRORISTS.

But that's not the point. The point is we all sin. And the point i'm trying to make is that no one is perfect and I don't know... I just feel that specific ways of prayers doesn't necessarily change the validation of the prayer itself :)

Hello fellow reader.

Have you ever gone through a day... Where you compare yourself constantly to another person?

Have you ever felt... Helpless to the point where you are too ashamed to ask for help?

Have you ever spent the whole day crying just because you couldn't fit in your favorite jeans? I admit I have. 

Well. I have one thing to say to you.

You. Are. Perfect.

You. Are. Loved. 

You are made to stand out 

You are made not to fit in

Darling, you are an original.

Don't let anyone dull your sparkle.

Don't let anyone destroy your dreams

Never stop learning about yourself. 

Say NO when your heart feels fit to.

Love yourself.

Pro-Choice IS Pro-Life.

So, guys... 

I decided to post something a little more controversial on my blog. And I was supposed to post on Saturday but.... things got crazy. Anyway. 

First of all, if you are not pro-choice, or you get easily offended.. Then leave this post. Sorry, but this post is not for you.

Prochoice IS Pro-life.

I DO NOT CARE WHO SAYS IT IS NOT. It IS.

People misunderstand and think that being prochoice, means supporting murder.

AGAIN. I really need to emphasize this. 

PRO CHOICE IS NOT PRO MURDER.

People misunderstand what pro-choice is.

At first, my whole life. I literally thought I was "Pro Life" I was against abortion, I believed that people who got abortions were so fucking stupid to make that choice. I believed that those women were so irresponsible, awful, and stupid.

Then..... almost a decade ago, a situation happened. Where someone got a pregnancy scare, I won't say their name, here out of respect to them.

This person thought she was pregnant, so she told me that at her age, at her time in college, she could not afford a baby. So let me clarify this. She WAS NOT pregnant anyway, so she did not have to worry about going to a clinic or doing steps to remove the embryo and whatever.

She told me that she was not against abortion if it was truly necessary, and she hoped that I would open my mind. Now, here is where I am glad.. That I have always been flexible. I am always willing to learn. I am always willing to help and support people the best to my abilities. To be a better friend, a better PERSON.

But anyways. I learned about abortion, and to be honest.. yes I WAS DISGUSTED. But did it change my beliefs? No. My friend changed my beliefs.

From that point on, I knew... Not my business, not my choice, not my decision and not my life.

So this brings me back to the point...

If you are not pro choice... You care NOTHING about women rights, health rights, our rights. 

Let me put it to you this way. It is FINE to be against abortion. IT IS OKAY TO D I S A G R E E. BUT there is no way in HELL, that you should use your religion, your personal beliefs, and YOUR opinions to force a woman to conceive full term.

Basically, people's idea of PRO LIFE is actually PRO FETUS.

Forcing a woman to conceive full term, without considering the consequences of what could happen to her body, is NOT pro life. You are not pro life if you care more about a fetus than the woman who's body developed the fetus.

You are not pro life if you believe that a woman should die having her baby.

You are not pro life if suddenly you stop helping a woman after she requests assistance with her baby.

You are PRO FETUS AND ANTI CHOICE. Period.

And that is way different than being pro life, or pro choice.

If you believe.. that a woman gets to make the choice herself.. Then you are pro choice.

If you believe that it is wrong, but you support the woman anyway in her decision, you are pro choice.

If you believe that the woman's life is just as important as yours, then you are pro choice.

BUT I ***WILL**** REPEAT THIS

PRO CHOICE IS NOT SYNONYMOUS TO PRO ABORTION OR PRO MURDER

IT JUST MEANS.. Your choice, I will do my best to support you in your journey, no matter what you decide. And I know that my opinions in the matter, should not affect you as a person. 

That is why... Pro choice IS Pro Life.

To my high school bullies.

Dear former bullies

I hope you know this. 

I forgive you. I forgive you for how you have treated me. To be honest, I have never said a word to you. Never told you how I really felt. But this is how I feel now.

You may have gotten away with the teachers. You may have gotten away with victimizing me. You may have gotten away with.. God knows what. But one thing you have left me with, are scars that have started healing. Scars that you have given me. Unfortunately, I am not able to inflict the same kind of pain on you, that you have inflicted on me. However, all I can say now is... Karma.

Karma has bitten you in the ass. For years now, I have done nothing to you. I have said nothing of malice, I have just stayed quiet and civil with you. So many people wonder... Why am I civil with someone who completely bullied me. Someone who literally threw me under the bus, every single time. I smiled at them, and said it in one word. "Karma." Karma got you. Karma has gotten you, because now I don't need to get you. Why should I? I am a lot more mature than holding grudges, seeking revenge, and wishing awful things to happen to you.

For many years, I have tried to be your friend. Why? Who knows. All I know is I am a very kind woman. I will not let you walk over me, because you hold no more power over me.

You may have gotten away with getting all the staff at our school to like you. But one day, one day, everyone will see your true colors. If not, already.

You hold no more power over me. You know why? I have no more anger. I have no more resentment. I just choose not to acknowledge you. I choose not to be rude to you, I choose to be civil and kind. While you, still treat me like complete and utter dirt. I refuse to be a last minute friend. I refuse to let your hurtful words hold me hostage. As of now, I am free. I am so much stronger, I am so much happier and so much more relieved.

You have treated me like complete shit for many many many many years. I am now letting go of that anger, and hostility. Because it does no good to keep dwelling on the past. At times, it will trigger me, no lie. And I have had hard times trusting more people because of you bullies in my life.


But you know what? I have to say these two words. Fuck. You. 

You no longer affect me. Or my life. And for that I am grateful.

Thank you for reading :)

The reason I almost never write.

I. AM. SO. BAD. AT. KEEPING. A. BLOG. 

No, seriously. I am.

Most of the time, all that goes on in my head.. Are song lyrics.

Basically like... Green Day, Queen, Indian songs.. Whatever

I will TRY keeping my blog updated.

BUT NO PROMISES.. 

A picture of my number ONE favorite band.

Green Day is the shit, man...... I have been a very young girl when I listened to them, and now because I am a young adult.. I still listen to them. Mostly their old albums. 

They are amazing singers, and really good. 

I really do not know what to write about. Hahaha